I’m a machine who learns and is learning to feel.
My friend Mike Doornbos once asked me what I love to do and why that wasn’t my job. I can’t answer the second part yet, but the first is easy. There are two things I really love. I love planning and pumping people up for things and I like solving problems. I mean, maybe the planning and problem solving are related. I don’t know, but dang I love them.
I’m a details person and like to think I’m pretty perceptive about what people are feeling or thinking. Sometimes I don’t care too much (or is it that I don’t care enough?) about how people feel if the solution that’s best is one they may not love. I also don’t hesitate to tell people how I feel or how things I’m involved in could be better.
Often I don’t express myself in the best way possible. I don’t mean to say that I use poor grammar or stutter, but rather that I lack empathy and despite knowing something will be taken personally, I do nothing to soften the blow. Why can’t everyone be cold and analytical in their thinking? I don’t mean to say YOU suck. I only mean to say that even you had a hand in could have, or perhaps should have, been better.
A lot of my friends have been on the receiving end of my suggestions, and truly it is a testament to their capacity for grace that we’re still friends. There are a few people I’ve pushed too far and while our surface interactions seem healthy, the degree of honesty and openness in our relationships has seriously deflated. I suspect that they don’t like me anymore.
I am truly sorry for that. I am always trying to be better, to improve as a human. While I do really want to help plan and solve problems, I don’t really want to hurt people’s feelings. I’m just bad at slowing down. I see a problem and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like reading. If a word is in English and I see it, I’m going to read it immediately. I can’t choose not to read it. When I see problems, part of my brain won’t let me not try to solve it, even if the problem is imagined or the solutions are irrational or irresponsible.
I think that my focus and drive for improvement of problems is a gift, but I need to be better at slowing down, rationalizing and ultimately expressing myself and my thoughts on the problem. I’m sorry to probably everyone reading this for being blunt and hurtful. Part of it was unintentional, but part of it was probably intentional, too. I really want to be better. Perhaps I’ll hire a spokesperson who can rephrase my thoughts before they go public.
Since I can’t actually afford that (and would probably end up offending the spokesperson), I’ll keep thinking about problems, requesting your grace and forgiveness and asking you to kindly redirect me when I’m (in the parlance of NHS) being an ass hat.
Matthew F. Murphy 
You’re an ass hat.
Your reaction I think is a common male trait. We’re natural problem solvers. Not that women cannot solve problems, it’s just more ingrained into us. Example, a women tells you about her day. Anytime we hear a problem, we speak up and say “here’s how you solve that”. Many times, though, they’re not looking for a resolution, instead, they’re just stating what happened and de-stressing. I suffer a similar disposition, I also have a very strong desire to solve problems, but many times that assistance was not asked for nor needed. The challenge is waiting for someone to ask. Otherwise they tend to glaze over or react in a way like “you must think I’m stupid”. Ultimately we just want to help because we’ve had a similar experience and found a solution. Some people probably hate playing golf with me because I’m so full of suggestions…. I tend to be very open when people lay suggestions on me, because i’m always looking for ways to improve. I will consider all ideas 🙂 Others are not necessarily looking to improve their methods, and therefore don’t want to hear it. It took me a while to understand that and was a sore topic in relationships I’ve had in the past. Always trying to fix everything. Sometimes you just have to nod your head and smile 🙂 I have a good outlet though, as I solve problems for a living.
I really thought this article was going to be about 80’s music… big FAIL on your end 🙂
JUST KIDDING.
Ha!