Man, I have sucked at relationships. I have this really bad habit of getting stressed out about one thing or another and internalizing everything. The problem is that when I internalize one thing, I internalize everything. Pain, fear, anger, stress…but also love, joy, hope.
A couple of my friends are in new relationships or are about to be or have moved to a new stage in an old relationship, and it makes me think of my own. I’ve been married for a little over six years. I started dating Becky officially in the Fall of 2002, but we had a brief false-start of a relationship in Spring of 2002. We’d watch movies together frequently, and one night she asked me very matter-of-factly, or maybe even a little bit miffed, “Are you ever going to kiss me?”
Ha. I’d only asked her out about 10 times prior to that. We’d spent literally hours walking through the College Heights area of Fredericksburg discussing why she couldn’t date me and how I had dated one of her friends and blah, blah, blah. I clearly didn’t listen that well, since I kept asking her out. Needless to say, my answer to her question was not verbal, but required lips.
I’m still in awe of the fact that she would date me, let alone marry me and have a child with me. She once told me I didn’t seem friendly to her, but instead seemed “stoic.” I had to look that word up in the dictionary. This is a theme. I apparently make poor first impressions, particularly on ladies. My friend John‘s wife, Gabrielle, once said I came off as “intimidating and angry.” My friend Julia once said I did not seem approachable when we first met. How on Earth did I land a girl like Becky?
I can’t say that our relationship has at all times been peaches and cream. At times, we’ve frustrated one another. When I argue, I like to drive a point home over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…well, you get the point. Becky on the other hand would prefer to say, “_____,” well, nothing. She likes to watch British period dramas. I like to watch crime dramas. It turns out we both like Glee. Becky doesn’t care about sports. I dream of the day when I will own Ravens PSLs. But in seriousness, we’ve had some rough times (not improved by our disparate disagreement handling styles). Despite that, though, when I sit and try to describe my feelings for her, I get shaky and jittery with this expectant anxiety that I’ve had ever since I started asking her out. Dang. I am STILL head over heels in love with this girl. I cannot imagine a life that doesn’t include her.
She called me while in the midst of writing this and it made my night. It seriously did. I will sleep more soundly having talked to her (she’s visiting her sister in NoVA).
Whatever, I make mistakes. We, as a couple, make mistakes. But let me tell you what, we learn! I told one of my friends tonight, “I can’t always tell you what I did that went really successfully, but I can tell you the bad choices I made and the consequences of them and some alternatives I’ve come up with in hindsight.” I can tell success stories. I have a multitude of them, but I also learn well from my mistakes (thought I admit I’m still working on that arguing thing…My buddy Josh is helping me stay honest with myself on that). We all make mistakes, but perseverance and learning from them is what love is about. If you improve, your love will increase. If you learn, your love will blossom. No one is perfect, not even Heidi Klum and Seal. Learn.
And jeez, man, when you learn, TEACH! We haven’t sought couples to teach us as much as we should have, but we’re starting to see the value, and we look forward to teaching.
In conclusion, I can’t wait to grow old with this fine-looking female, and I’m excited that as we grow older, we’ll be able to help people avoid some of the pitfalls we experienced and we’ll be able to help people experience some of the highs we’ve experienced as lovers, teammates, friends, parents and as the coolest couple there is (of course).
I haven’t written a blog after 7:00 PM in a long time. Sorry if this was incoherent. I just wanted to express myself.