I’m on my face and at your feet, and I have no direction, so lead me down this narrow path. I can’t see through all my fears, so I close my eyes, and I leave the rest to you.
Sometimes I think I’m so busy just so that I feel like I have a path. It is as if I create things to do simply in order to define a path to walk down. If I didn’t have so much going on in my life, then maybe I’d be aimless like walking across a plain with no landmarks and trying to find my way somewhere…but not even really knowing what “somewhere” I was looking for. So at least by staying busy my path has boundaries. There are trampled leaves and dense-packed dirt paths to define the trip across the plain.
That sounds pretty depressing, but the truth is that I really enjoy my lifestyle. I do wish some of my busy-ness was more centered on social interactions rather than responsibilities, but I love being around people regardless of the reason. I know it wears on my wife, and I’ve become much more protective of my time as my love for her has matured and I have matured. It’s not that she doesn’t like being around people; she absolutely does, but she needs more frequent reprieves to recharge the social batteries.
But still, whether I like it or not, the question is “why?” Well, that kind of leads us to the opening of this blog (which in case you don’t know me very well is the second verse of the .HEREtoday. song, 10-33). It’s all well and good to have a path defined by responsibilities and interactions, but it is important to know where that path is headed. Sometimes we feel like we have no direction (we’re on a plain) and we have to find it. Sometimes, we’re like my case where we create a path but satisfied within those walls, we don’t worry about the destination.
I could choose what appear to be noble causes. I could choose things that make me feel good. The problem is that not all these things end in success. A few years ago, during a meeting of friends that I thought was a noble pursuit, I flew off the handle unexpectedly. I relive it constantly. I chose that gathering in order to make myself feel good and loved (despite spiritual aspirations expressed with my mouth). Feeling good and loved are great pursuits, but if the path is leading only to an ego boost, then a small pinprick could result in one irrationally pissed off Matt Murphy, am I right, friends? I’m not saying others were there to satisfy their ego, but I know that in part, sometimes a big part, I was.
We cannot choose paths by the means and responsibilities that enclose them. I really think that we have our thinking wrong. Paths are not to be viewed from HERE to THERE. They should be viewed from the perspective of an ending point; from THERE to HERE. A path should be selected by destination.
Is this path going to end where I am headed? In my case, I want to grow in my faith, principally. I also want to grow deeper in love with my wife, deeper in adoration and better at leadership of my children, closer and more vulnerable with my friends, and more and more beneficial to my community. Paths whose true endings are my ego, my libido, my comfort, while they may bush against some of the above things along the way, will not ultimately satisfy.
Here’s to viewing mazes from the cheese’s perspective rather than the rat’s. Here’s to finding the paths God’s laid before us which lead to Him.