Disappointed yet?

When you see me step on the stage or when you read my musings, you probably aren’t thinking about how worried I am that something I do will let you down. When I share with you a decision I’m wrestling with, you probably don’t notice how I gauge your body language to glean insight on what you will think about the decision toward which I’m leaning.

I’m 32 years old and I’m still concerned about disappointing my mom and dad with decisions I have made and will make. I have an irrational fear that I will one day disappoint Becky and our marriage will struggle. That one, in particular, has stitches a powerful filter onto my psyche through which all choices, from where to eat to how I style my hair to what jobs to explore, pass.

And I need to change!

The root of my fear is self-centeredness (I think). There is an underlying assumption that my performance is central to the lives if the people around me.

I am a leader. My decisions DO impact people. Everything I do in the leadership role has the potential for impacting the people I lead. Everything I do has the potential for impacting Becky and my children. However, the belief that I must prevent disappointment at all costs is rooted in pride and displays in stark relief my lack of faith in the people I love, in myself, and particularly in God.

So, people I love, I will probably disappointment you. The closer we are, it is likely that will happen sooner, but I’m trying to believe in you, and myself and God. I’m resolving to not let my fear of disappointing you prevent me from moving forward.

Because, frankly, standing still is disappointment.

What keeps you from moving?


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