I spend a lot of time lying to myself and mostly it starts with, “You suck…”
When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to say something “sucks” or “sucked.” “Suck” and its various conjugations were up there in the minor swear words like crap, fart and Uranus. Now, of course, I say all those words around my kids. On the way back from an Orioles’ game last week, Ariella told me she didn’t like the word “sucks.” My first thought was that I suck as a dad.
By many measures, I’ve been pretty #blessed. I’m 36 and working at a high level in an industry I’m passionate about. I’m doing things I never thought I would be able to do. Today, I had a meeting with an on-air personality from the NFL network about how we can work together in our industry, and next week we have a follow-up meeting. Seriously?
But every time I think about it (which is often), I think about how little I deserve to be here. I work with some of my heroes, and some of them treat me like a peer. Seriously?
I didn’t go to school for this. I don’t study hard enough. I don’t come from an associated lineage. I have an above average memory and a penchant (gift? curse?) for making decisions quickly. I’m good at faking that I know what I’m talking about while I figure out what I’m talking about. I have a strong intuition. And that’s it.
Or at least that’s how I feel a lot of the time. That’s my inner monologue.
And that’s why I’m thankful for God.
When I tell myself that I suck, He says, “So what?” And thank God for that.
Thank you, God, for reminding me that my insecurity is an unreliable mentor. Thank you for reminding me that in the areas that I do actually suck, you can use me anyway. Thank you for grace. Thank you for connecting me with the amazing people I’m connected with.
What lies do you tell yourself? How is the Holy Spirit speaking to you?