I move forward. Quickly. And in the wake of that motion, sometimes, things get messy. Literally and metaphorically.
And eventually, the chaos created by the swirling air in my wake wears me out. I wake up with an uncertain, imprecise feeling of dread like I’m missing something, forgetting something, failing at something but unable to put my finger on what it is. I can look around and look back and count the good things, but that feeling remains.
I’m not made for looking backwards. I have a very good memory (which drives my wife crazy). I love to tell stories, which pull from past experience. I love learning, which pulls from past experience. But I’m not particularly nostalgic. I move forward. I think I’m above average at at evaluating situations, envisioning potential outcomes and developing a path from where I am toward the best outcome. Instead of nostalgia, I am focused on and excited for what’s next.
And I am starting to think (or maybe remember) that my imprecise feeling of dread occurs when I can’t focus on what’s next because of the chaos left in the wake of my forward motion.
Last night, instead of soaking in the pleasure of playing music with the Revolution band, I felt distracted. Last night, I had a trying night (thanks dogs and Rex). This morning I woke up with that tension in my heart, that dread. But I don’t have the time to let it work itself out on it’s own, so as usual, I’m moving forward.
Between Zoom calls, strategic planning for Stadia bookkeeping, building relationships for Stadia’s marketing team, I’ve been self-evaluating and cleaning up the chaos of the last few weeks of forward motion and arrhythmic calendars.
My office is also my dressing room, rehearsal space, luggage storage location, Stadia supply room, and so on and so forth…. And dude, those spaces have become a disaster. Some small, non-vital tasks have been put off, ballooning my inbox. As I sat down this morning, I realized I could not see the short-term pathway forward. Dread.
Today, I cleaned my desk, organized my calendar, reviewed my notes (just finished the last page of my Moleskine), finished all but one of the non-vital tasks (my inbox is at 7…no, 10…no, 12). That sense of dread is fading.
Time to move forward.
What do you need to clean up in your physical and mental space in the next couple days so you can move forward?